- 1 puking toddler
- 3 sets of sheets in one night
- 3 pairs of pajamas (two belonging to puking toddler; one belonging to the mother who got in the way of projectile arc
- 1 roll of paper towels for catching vomit since toddler refuses to puke in either the toilet or the trash bucket
- 2 bewildered and squeamish parents
For best results, do not start recipe until at least 11pm on Friday night, as you want to be sure to be awake until at least 4:30am on Saturday night--this provides the recipe's one-two punch of dealing with a sick toddler AND doing it on as little sleep as is humanly possible. Be sure to move toddler to all available beds, to ensure the highest possible number of puked-on sheets--we think three sets is sufficient, but you might like four or five.
Now this is key--be sure your puking child absolutely will not throw up in a toilet or even a trash bin--it's essential that for this recipe to pack it's greatest punch, you need to be either cleaning vomit up off the bathroom floor (after you've thrown yet another set of sheets into the washer) or holding reams of paper towels up to his mouth to catch what is coming out.
For a little extra zip in your recipe, it helps if the child refuses to throw up and constantly tries to keep swallowing whatever is coming up. This is like the "slow cooker" version of the recipe and the added time it takes to get rid of whatever's making him sick in the first place will REALLY enhance the quality of the recipe.
Eventually, your puking toddler will just need to simmer between the two bewildered parents, on one of the newly cleaned sets of sheets, in bed, for approximately three or four hours. During this time, try to get a little bit of sleep while keeping an ear out for the next potential wave of vomit.
If said wave of vomit occurs, repeat the above steps of the recipe. If not, get as much rest as you can, because vomiting toddler is going to wake up in a couple of hours with all the energy of a split atom. Apparently puking for 5 hours straight energizes and empowers the toddler. The two bewildered and squeamish parents? Not so much.
To complete recipe and ensure total awesomeness for the rest of the weekend, be sure to anticipate your very own bout of vomiting, which could occur at any moment and render you utterly useless and disgusting for the following 24 hours.