Eleven Months

Unbelievable, little man. In a month you will have been here, making us laugh and making us insane for an entire year. Sometimes your daddy and I still look at each other in wonder and say, "I can't believe we have a kid!" I mean, in what universe were we prepared for this?! That's one thing I've learned over these past eleven months--there's no way to prepare for the maelstrom that is babyhood. I have stood in front of the wall of books at Borders and Barnes & Noble trying to make sense of how and when a baby sleeps, when "they" say babies should roll, crawl, walk, speak, bang objects together, say "mama"--all of it just sneaky ways for the experts to make a quick buck off the clueless and terrified masses of new mamas and daddies. The learning is in the experience, not in the books, little man. Shhhh...don't tell your future teachers mama (the teacher) said that.

You are quite the mover and shaker this month. You started the month picking up the pace on your crawling. At first you were only willing to crawl to the closest possible toy and screw the rest of it. Now, you set a goal, whether it's a foot away or across the room and poof! You're off! You are in uber-curious mode these days--nothing holds your attention for more than a few seconds. One toy is only a momentary diversion from the next. Fortunately I can still woo you away from the stairs by banging on the plinky plunky bongos you got from Barb & Ryan for Chrismukkah this year. You see, we have baby gates for the stairs and doorways. We just haven't installed them yet. Minor detail.

Two major developments this month--you FINALLY left your days of gummy goodness behind and you have two teeth! Of course, they are taking eons to come in. We noticed the bumps and the split in the gums two Saturdays ago. And then the joys of hardcore teething kicked in--the fussiness, the "don't put me down; don't leave the room; HOLD ME! HOLD ME! HOLD ME!" of it all. Good times, my friends. Let me say these three magic words--Hyland's Teething Tablets, or as we refer to them in our house, Baby Ambien. Two of three of these under the tongue and 20 minutes later---limp, sleeping baby. It's my favorite recipe right now, folks. It wears off pretty fast, but by then the edge is taken off, he's groggy, and it's easier to convince him not to start freaking out again. That way he is able to get a little of sleep before the ache in his gums comes a'knocking again.

As happy as I am that you have some teeth, I have to say they aren't doing anything for our nursing relationship. Let me say this--my boob is NOT a chew toy, little man--stop treating it like one! Perhaps if you didn't find my saying, "No! Don't bite mommy!" so amusing maybe we could fix it, but you just giggle when you inflict pain on me. Not one of your most endearing qualities, I have to say. Not endearing at all. So we will see; I hadn't planned on closing down the boob cafe for awhile, but when you bite the boob that feeds, you make a strong argument for weaning.

It's okay, though, as you've started a new love affair with organic whole milk. You are now taking 2-3 ounces of it with each meal and a couple in between. I guess you are never going to be one of those 8-ounce bottles, 4 times a day babies. This may account for the fact that at 11 months you are just tipping the scale at 17lbs. But I am relieved that if indeed I have to shut down my little breastfeeding operation, you will be well taken care of by the cows.

Onto our other big development. Cruisin'! Well, technically you just cruised once today, consisting of two steps, from the little blue IKEA stool to your Fisher Price work bench, but it was cruising. And that means, walking can't be that far behind, can it? I shudder to think. You started by rocking back and forth as though you might actually be able to get from one spot to the next by sheer force of will. That didn't work. So then you were up and down on your tip toes for a few minutes, like you were desperately trying to remember what movement you've seen me use to get from one place to another. Then finally, one foot came up, slid over and came back down. I thought you might fall into a split for a second, but the other leg came up and moved closer to the first. A STEP! Followed by another and then a very graceful butt flop ended your first cruise. Very impressive, little man.

Now, I've had something on my mind and I want to get rid of it before your first birthday so I can just revel in the joy that is being your mommy from here on in. The first few months of being a mom were really tough for me and I'm so sorry that I wasn't always as good of a mommy as I wanted to be. You have a magnificent daddy and he really did so much when you were a newborn; I didn't really participate as much as I could have when you were first with us. I was overwhelmed and terrified of how tiny and helpless you were. I was lost in my new identity and afraid to ask for help. I cried a lot. I hid a lot. In my lowest moments, I wished this all away and for my old life to come back. Ugh. I hope you never read this. But if you do, I hope you realize that it wasn't YOU that I was hiding from or afraid of, or wishing away. It was my own feeling of unworthiness, of inadequacy.

I am so sorry that I missed out on those times. I am so sad that I can't get those hours and days with you back. I look at pictures of you as a newborn and my heart aches. I wish I had gotten help for my post partum depression earlier so I could have been more a part of those first months when you were so fragile and new.

Ahhhhhh, it feels good to get that off my chest.

So what does the next month hold in store for us? And the months after that? I can only imagine. I imagine that you will continue to amaze me with your charming personality and the new things you learn how to do. Every day is an adventure, little man.

Last swim class--check out my form! All I need is a float and a margarita.
Baby, you can drive my car.

These rings MUST go! They are ruining the entire feng shui of the table. Seriously.

Ethan's first trip to the tidal basin during the Cherry Blossom season (and opening day--Go Sox!)

See you next month, internet!