Who Wrote That Last Post?! What a Whiner!

Sorry for the Debbie Downer drama there. I have my moments. Let me just say, though, that I am PSYCHED to be heading to BlogHer, whether I'm gestating or not. And let's face it, since I plan on indulging in an adult beverage or two or a dozen , I'm kind of relieved that since I'm going, I'm not drinking for two or more. (So, can you tell I just figured out how to use the "strike" feature in HTML? A bit much huh?)

So, yeah. The BlogHer thing. Really looking forward to it. But I'd totally be a big fat lying liar who lied if I didn't say that I am also a bit nervous. I mean, when's the last time you flew to a city you've only ever been to once, to participate (only slightly since you don't really have a ticket to the event) in a conference with a group of women you've never met (with the exception of one woman you met once for lunch)? And attended all-girl parties with an even bigger group of women you've never met before? Who all have blogs? And some of their blogs have like 20,000 readers a day? And your little blog, that you love and are so grateful for, has like, maybe, on a good day, 100? None of them are going to have heard of you. And there'll be sizing-up. And maybe judging. It's like mommy-dating on meth. I'm scared.

I'm a big blabber behind the screen of the internets. I'll tell you pretty much anything you want to know (and over the years, probably a lot of stuff you haven't wanted to know, quite honestly). I LOVE to make people laugh (and really like meeting people who laugh easily-makes me feel better about myself). But in person? I'm a little more reserved. A little shyer. Less secure. If you don't like me here? You probably just click away from my blog and never come back. I'll never know. Maybe if you are a frequent commenter and one day you stop commenting, I might think, "huh. I wonder where she went?" But I'm more likely to assume you lost the bookmark, got busy with life or were abducted by aliens than think, "ohgod, did I say something to make her hate me??!" 

In my own world, the world of people who already know and put up with love me, I am an awesome writer. I should be publishing books. I'm so funny. But in the world of BlogHer and some of the women there? They HAVE published books. They really ARE awesome writers. They ARE hilarious.  Me? Meh. Not so much with the publishing and the awesomeness. Hence, the "ohmygod, I'm such a phony. They are totally going to be able to tell that I'm a big fat phony!" anxiety that I am pretty sure is going to start setting in during the coming days. And at BlogHer, with every blank stare or "haven't heard of it" shrugged shoulder I get in response to my "I'm Sarah. I write Life at Forty-Five Degrees," I am sure that anxiety is going to snowball into a "I'll be hiding under the bar with this bottle of pino noir" wave of insecurity and crashing self-esteem. 

It's going to be so awesome. 

Oh freaking hell.  Am I whining again?! I am, aren't I?  

Really, I'm exaggerating. Which I rarely ever do. Ha. I do have a little doubt about my fit-inning-ness at BlogHer, but I'm pretty giddy about the idea of hanging out with some of the bloggers I do know already like me. Women who's blogs I've been reading for years and who have been reading mine. I'm looking forward to seeing the Power Bloggers who essentially created this niche for me.  All of the insecurity I may have to battle in the coming days will be totally worth the opportunity to spend a weekend without hearing "mommy" "mommy" "mommy" every 45 seconds not only meet the few bloggers I feel I really do know, but to validate and value the part of my identity that LOVES this blog and loves writing.  I may not be the wittiest, I'm certainly not published, and I am happy with my 100 hits a day.  But I'm still a blogger and I'm so excited for the opportunity to hang out with the other women in this community that has become such an important part of my life.