Let's recap, shall we, the list of "issues" this pregnancy has brought to light in terms of my body's complete and utter lack of functionability (is that a word?)
1. high blood pressure--that was there before I got pregnant, but its such fun to contemplate the risk of pre-eclampsia that we'll throw it into the mix.
2. incompetent cervix--the initial inspiration for this blog; I remember the good old days when it was the ONLY thing wrong with my body (aside from my penchant for adult acne)
3. irritable uterus--which means I like to have random contractions for no reason except to necessitate a 2 week stay in the hospital for around-the-clock monitoring for pre-term labor.
4. and now....drumroll, please....GESTATIONAL DIABETES. Or to go along with the "describe my body's short-comings with adjectives" motif, "overworked and underachieving pancreas".
Yes, you might remember last Thursday that I drank the heinous dextrose mixture and let them take my blood. I believe I said I would bash my head against the wall repeatedly if I failed that test.
Well, let the head-banging commence. I apparently failed the test so badly that I don't even GET to take the 3-hour follow up test. Do not pass "go". Do not collect $200. Go directly to jail. Yes, my friends, I have pregnant-lady diabetes.
The doctor has assured me it is a result of the bedrest and not necessarily a sign of my eating habits (has he seen the Silver Diner's chocolate cake?). He said that most long-term bedrest patients end up with GD because they have no way to work off even the smallest amount of sugar. So here I sit, churning with excess sugar that I am apparently passing on to my baby, possibly turning him into the incredible baby hulk, with respiratory problems to boot.
Later this week, I get to go to the Diabetes Center associated with my hospital and learn all about my fabulous new lifestyle, which is going to include pricking my finger 4X daily to test my blood sugar level and eating such delightful treats as....celery, I guess. The condition should clear up upon delivery, but it will most likely recur with any future pregnancies and now I am at a higher risk for developing diabetes all on its own somewhere down the line in life.
I mean, truly---this pregnancy has been a campaign for only-childhood. How the hell am I ever going to do this again???!!!
Now I am just going to go smash my head into a wall repeatedly and wait for pre-eclampsia to rear it's ugly head--it IS the next complication in line, so it must be on its way to this Bermude Triangle of pregnancy that is my body....