Grandma Has a Thong...

...and other things you learn at Thanksgiving dinner.

I'm not going to share the story of how I know (it's just more fun to make you guess). But I thought it was a funny title for the Thanksgiving post.

So today I had a realization about myself. As I watched my petite little sister in law show my husband's cousin how to do "Spider Man" push ups, while I drank my standard soy chai tea latte, I came to the painful realization that I have let myself go.

Sure, I know--"9 up, 9 down", that's what people say. "You were on bedrest for 4 months!" they also like to remind me, as if this somehow makes the extra 20 pounds I am carrying around almost 7 months later an acceptable given. As if no one could possibly be expected to be able to lose weight that their body no longer needs because of a condition that hasn't impacted them in more than half a year. "But you have the baby to take care of all day! When would you even have time to work out or cook a really healthy meal?!" They like to remind me. Perhaps this is the most valid of the things people say to me to make me feel better about this body I no longer recognize.

Regardless--I am fat. Well, not fat like "you'll see the lower portion of my body walking away on a nightly news report about obesity" fat, but fat. And it's not unfamiliar territory--after being Miss Skinny Minnie in high school (I used to drink slim fast shakes WITH dinner just because they were so yummy), my metabolism hit a brick wall in my early 20's and I spent the better part of a decade with one foot in Obese-town. So perhaps more than a woman who has always been thin and then finds herself carting around extra weight after giving birth, this new body of mine terrifies me in a way I can barely stand to describe. And I won't because it's Thanksgiving, people! And I don't need to take this post to that dark place....

And it's not just my weight. I have had one haircut in a year. ONE. IN A YEAR, people! How my hair isn't all Crystal Gayle'd out is beyond me--it just stops growing after a certain point. But it ain't pretty. And I am wearing make up that is a year old, with the exception of course of the Benefit goodies I was suckered into buying when I walked through Sephora with my "haggard mommy" face back in June or July. When I drive by the DSW shoe store, I barely feel a pang of desire. This is deeply disturbing as I used to live within walking distance and would go at least once a week just to see if they had any new Mary Janes that I might NEED. Now I have one pair of shoes. And they aren't even stylish, internet! Weep for me!

My point being that starting on Monday, this girl is whipping herself into shape. No, no, I dont' think I'm going to drop 20 pounds before New Year and all that craziness (when I was fat, I used to make deals with myself that I would do everything in my power to embrace anorexia, starting tomorrow....). I am going to flip through magazines until I find a haircut I have to have and I might even do color. That's how serious I am about this. Then I am hauling my sorry Cover-girl wearing ass to Sephora and I am going to buy something other than brown eyeshadow. And then, I'm going to throw away the ice cream and stop drinking chais!

......sorry, I just hyperventilated a little bit.

All right--I guess I will have to make some changes, because I don't want to be the pretty fat girl I was for 10 years (is there anything more well-intentioned and hurtful than hearing "You have such a pretty face!"). But perhaps it will be a small cup of ice cream instead of a bowl. And maybe it will be tall chais a few times a week instead of grandes daily. .....I'm still breathing into a paper bag here, people.....

So, although the timing couldn't be worse (there's pumpkin pie upstairs and two kinds of stuffing! TWO!), I am grateful that my sister in law is such a skinny little biatch, with such a damn kicking hair cut, and a travel bag full of Estee Lauder makeup in the bathroom. And I'm grateful that she's been carting my son around all afternoon so I could help with dinner and blog.

Probably not the standard "Today I am thankful for this journey of motherhood and the lights of my life, Husband and little E" that you were expecting, but really--doesn't that go without saying?