Have I talked about my son's butt?

And it's inability to poop?

Well then I think I will now.

As mommies, we tend to obsess about poopy diapers. Before I had Ethan, I found those Hallmark cards about changing diapers and the jokes about how fascinating poops were about to become so....silly. Not me, I thought. A poop's a poop. And who's going to inspect a diaper for poop analysis anyway??? Hell, I'm going to take a deep breath, rip that sucker off, throw some powder in the general direction of my baby's butt and get that new diaper on PRONTO!

Nice plan. However, I soon realized that understanding baby's poop is a vital component of understanding baby's health. Damn it.

So Husband & I oooh'ed and ahhh'ed the poopy diapers our son produced like it was his job. Early on, it was 4-5 times a day. The boy was a machine. Then, maybe once a day; and later still, once every 2-3 days. All totally "text book". Fabulous. A perfectly functioning butt.

And then came the solid foods--the cereal, the veggies, the fruit. And as soon as those foods went in, the poop stopped coming out. For days. For a week. There was much grunting and straining.

So as much as he wanted to eat (not a fan of cereal, but bring on those pears, mama!), we stopped the solids. Because when prunes and prune juice dont' make you poop, there's something wrong with yer butt.

We went back to the good ol' days of the boobilicious milkshake as the solitary source of food. It took 2-3 days, but we finally hit the jackpot--a poop the size of Lake Michigan. Unless you've checked diaper after diaper and gotten zip, zilch, nada, zero, you can't really "get" the thrill (yes, I said "thrill" people--someone come rescue me!) of seeing the business end of a serious poop in your baby's diaper. Finally!

slowly we went back to solids. We reintroduced cereal and, true to his "keep you guessing" nature, this time cereal is the caviar of all baby foods. He can't get enough of the stuff. We're sloooooowly adding fruit back into the mixture in the form of juice. Yes, I know---*gasp*---all that sugar!!! Well, let's talk about how my kid is still in the 3rd percentile for weight. I'd mix pure lard into his cereal if I thought he'd eat it.

Woulnd't you know it? Poops are once again a rarity. There is much straining and grunting. My son's butt doesn't work.

Tomorrow I am taking him to the pedi for a weight check (yes, call me obsessive. I can take it). It just seems as thought nothing adds meat to his kid's bones. Boobs, rice cereal, oatmeal, peaches, pears, juice, carrots, peas. He's still itsy bitsy. I can't help but wonder if there is some connection between his seeming inability to gain weight and his butt's refusal to work properly when he's given anything other than breastmilk.

I am sure the pedi is simply going to pat me on the head and send me on my merry way, clucking under his breath that I'm a loon. I am starting to hate him.