Shhhhhh, do NOT tell my mother....

I met with my OB today. To see about having another bebe. To see if we would be totally out of our gourds to think about it considering the first time and all that bedrest and the "uterus o' tissue paper" c-section and all that drama. Feel free to peruse posts January-May of '05 for a recap if you have either forgotten or weren't here for the fun. Good times. There was a cerclage at 19 weeks (that's essentially fishing wire holding your cervix closed. Par-tay!), then there was 2 weeks in the hospital weeks 26-28, a fun bout with gestational diabetes, complete with nightly insulin shots, and who could forget the 9 hours of oh-so-peaceful labor followed by an hour of frantic surgery and "I need more suction. I need more suction" ringing in my ears as they tried to sew me up again, apparently with a faulty suction thingy.

So needless to say, Husband & I have been a bit hesitant to let our minds wander to the "what if"s of trying again. Especially considering the fact that as soon as the OB got me sewn back up I distinctly recall him saying, "Don't do this again!" Um. Okay. How about you just take out my uterus now, Dr. Big Mean Joy-Killer and be done with it? Oh yeah, and write me a prescription 'cuz now I'm depressed.

Today Dr. Big Mean Joy-Killer turned into Dr. Nu-uh, I Never Said That; You Can Have Another Baby Anytime. My jaw is still lingering somewhere around the stirrups of his exam table. Huh? But what about the uterus o' tissue paper? What about the risk of uterine rupture? What about "Don't do this again!"?

On further reviewing of his notes, he clarified that the "don't do this again" was in reference to laboring for nine hours before opting for the knife. Basically, I am not a candidate for VBAC. Well, duh. Believe me, after hearing the unflattering things they had to say about my uterus during the surgery (like I wasn't even there! sheesh!), the last thing I would ever want to do is put the thing through labor again--you don't put an '84 GMC Pacer on the Autobahn, do you?

After going through my extensive list of questions (can you say "neurotic"?), it seems as though there is a very good possibility that another pregnancy could be exactly the same as the first one. BUT, since I would be having the cerclage so many weeks sooner in the pregnancy, it is actually a possibility that I would only be on modified bedrest through most of the second trimester, going to full bedrest only in the third trimester, mostly due to blood pressure concerns, considering every major system in my body likes to show up for the party.

Soooooo, what does it all mean? And why can't you tell my mother? Well, it means that Husband & I have some talking to do. Do we want to take on those months of pregnancy that mean so much more work for one of us and leaves the other one essentially a baby-baking machine with limited other abilities? How will those months impact Ethan, considering I wouldn't be able to pick him up or do many of the things that I love doing with him now? How will having another child change our relationship with each other and with Ethan? How will I recover from a c-section with a newborn and a toddler to care for? My head hurts from just those questions & there are like a billion more to consider, too.

And for the love of God, do not tell my mother---she has all but threatened to disown me, Steel Magnolia style, if I attempt to have another baby. I think it's a bit of an overreaction, but I will say on her behalf that my pregnancy was a lot of work for her, too. She temporarily moved to our area, rented an apartment and was a big city girl for a few months so she could cook & clean for us while I gathered dust in the bed upstairs. In some respects, we never had it so good. The house hasn't been as clean since and I assure you there's not nearly as much home-cooked food making an appearance in our house since she packed it up and left town when Ethan was 2 months old. I think she fears, aside from the apparently unfounded "your uterus will explode and you'll die" thing, that she's going to get sucked back into the role of housekeeper, cook AND nanny if we do this again. Please. I'd never do that to someone I loved. We'd hire some help. But I can't blame her for being wary. And so I will keep my lips zipped until we've come to a decision (or until I'm already on bedrest--she can't be mad at a girl on bedrest; that's just mean).

None of this means we're definitely GOING to try to have another baby. It just means that we get to make that decision, which is more than I've spent the last 15 months thinking was the case. To have that ownership put back into our hands is, in and of itself, enough for now.