At first I started the list of "Why it's good to have just one child" as a salve for the big old gaping wound in my heart. I figured reminding myself of everything from "saving for college is easier" to "no cracked nipples for hours of breastfeeding" would make the ache inside me a little easier to bear. I'm finding that instead, being free of so many potential worries is surprisingly freeing and seriously happiness-inducing.
My little Happiness Project thing requires me to focus on the positive, the things that make me grateful in life. My gratitude journal is filled with little one line anecdotes about Ethan, Husband, my friends and family, and soy chai tea lattes (naturally). And what I'm finding (or rather, rediscovering, as this is not the first gratitude journal I've had in my life) is that facing the world from the perspective of gratitude absolutely changes how I feel about my life.
I am happy. And at peace. And ready to move on. Should there somewhere along the way, be another child who finds his or her way into our life, either through my belly or fostering or adoption--so be it. But right now, I am almost eerily zen about where we are right now. Focusing on Ethan as the miracle has made all the difference in how I am handling this. This, that at one time I saw as an "ending". But now I see as a new beginning.
Yesterday it was sunny out for the first time in days. It was windy and chilly, but sunny. Ethan and I decided to celebrate the sun by going outside with some sidewalk chalk.