This is not what I had intended for my second NaBloPoMo post (yes, internet, I am stockpiling ideas). But I figure if something comes up, I should just go with it and save that list of "things I could blog about this month that might be mildly entertaining" for later in the month when my brain is completely dried up. So here I am, off the cuff.
It is 6am; Husband and Ethan are both upstairs, snoozing soundly and here I am, on the couch. Awake. Painfully, eye-stingingly awake. My eyes popped open at 4:45 and in spite of my best efforts (which include meditation, focusing on Ethan's breath right next to me, and yes, even counting sheep), they never quite closed again.
Is something on my mind, you ask? Some little stress or concern weighing heavily on my conscience? A bill unpaid? A disagreement with a loved one? Some anticipation, perhaps?
No. Nada. Zip. Nothing. Just awake.
I have been trying to make sense of it for the last hour or so. Then I started drifting down memory lane and realized that the last time I saw 4:45am was sometime around August of '05, when Ethan was just bidding adieu to the newborn phase and was waking daily at almost exactly 4:45am.
From May to August of last year, I hauled my sad, delirious ass out of bed at that hour to rock my swaddled little bundle back to sleep so Husband could sleep 'til a more reasonable hour. I would sit on the couch and rock Ethan until he fell back to sleep around 5:30, then sometimes I would drift back to sleep for an hour or so as well, while he snoozed in his swing next to the couch. I can still hear the motor of the swing humming, as I came in and out of consciousness the way all new moms do for the first several months (hopefully not while driving).
At the time I remember (and I hate myself just a little bit for this now), resenting that time, just wanting to sleep so badly it made me cry, instead of seeing it as what it really was: time that I got to share with this amazing little being that no one else was allowed to have. Just me and him in the dark of early morning, alone in the world, getting to know each other.
It's funny how the mind and body work. As much as it is probably just a fluke and as usual, with my frustrated English teacher's brain, I am sure I am just over-analyzing it, I could swear this little bout of insomnia which finds me on the couch, in such a similar position, but alone instead of with a little swaddled bundle, is telling me something. Is it possible that I am finally well-rested enough and have enough of a healthy perspective from baby #1, that I could be ready for baby #2?
3 comments:
Yes! Yes! Have another! Can you tell I have selfish motives? Who wants to be alone in the "another" game!
Be careful! No one thinks rationally at 5:58am after being awake since 4:45am
Of course it's a sign!
Or, it's just insomnia.
But it's probably a sign.
Post a Comment