So today I met with a new high risk OB. Not that I need one right now. But other girly business needed tending to, so that's how I ended up in yet ANOTHER hospital gown a mere week after my appointment with the RE. And next week I go BACK to the RE for my injectable training. I'm wondering if hospital gowns will be involved in that, too. I'm starting to think I look quite fetching in them.
But anyway. You may recall 2 years ago when I went to my former high risk OB and she clucked her tongue in disapproval as she searched for what I could only assume at the time was a missing tonsil somewhere in my abdominal cavity. But no, she was just trying to locate my cervix. You remember, the incompetent one? She said at the time that were I to get pregnant again, my only choice would be to have a transabdominal cerclage, rather than your garden variety vaginal cerclage. Transabdominal is exactly what it sounds like. Right through the tummy. And who doesn't like a bit of major abdominal surgery whilst gestating? Awesome.
Of course, as luck would have it, my uterus remained on unpaid leave for the remainder of our time in that particular high risk OB's jurisdiction. And when I started meeting with doctors in Los Angeles, they all, without examining me of course, looked at me like I had 10 heads when I said, "transabdominal". "No, no, honey," my first OB said, "I don't do transabdominals unless a vaginal one has failed on a prior pregnancy." So, erm. I'd have to get pregnant, get a regular cerclage, wait a few weeks, lose the baby, then get pregnant AGAIN before you'd consider a transabdominal? "Yes, honey, that's right," she said. Ooookay. This is the same woman who wanted me, miss high risk, on unmonitored clomid. I'm thinking she might have been on Octomom's team of "specialists" or something.
But then when the Los Angeles RE echoed the sentiment that I wouldn't need a transabdominal cerclage, I started to relax a bit. Maybe the regular old cerclage, the one you just need a spinal block and a massive speculum for, would be enough for me!!! I wasn't as incompetent as I thought after all!!!! Hooray!!!!
Today, as the newest high risk OB had a go at the internal exam, I heard her cluck her teeth and say, "Yeah, I can't work with that. It's going to have to be transabdominal."
Seriously, people. Just set fire to my hair and call it a day.
I know it shouldn't matter because let's face it, there's a chance that there is absolutely NO cerclage in my future at all. But the waffling, and the different opinions about something so significant are making me a little twitchy.
In a way, it was a small relief to hear a new doctor echo something that had been said by those doctors that took such great care of me back in Virginia, and who I trusted with my and my child's life during those months of bed rest. It made me trust this woman and believe she really wanted what was absolutely best and safest for me and a baby.
At the same time, the idea of major abdominal surgery, and the risks that come along with it, open up a whole can of fear and uncertainty for me that the regular cerclage just didn't. Sure, they both come with risks. But the TAC is so much more invasive, requires c-section recovery time, and is riskier to the baby because of how much closer to the baby it is.
Sigh. The Debbie Downer in me sometimes wonders, after almost two years of trying and all of the risks involved with another pregnancy, is the universe trying to tell me that this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?